i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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