Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Two words: nipple clamps
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