So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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