My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
