Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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