No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
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