if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
