I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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