I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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