I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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