You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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