he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
