Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
