If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
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