Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
