I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
