We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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