when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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