if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
