Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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