i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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