my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
