if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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