I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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