Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
