Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
