we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
