think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
