Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
