Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
