he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
