If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
