just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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