I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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