is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
