if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
