Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
