The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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