i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
