haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
