Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
