i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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