I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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