so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
