I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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