If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
