thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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