It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
