Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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