he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
